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I’m struggling to cope...
#1
As I’ve mentioned before, my Dad is still in hospital with jaundice and he has been diagnosed with bowel cancer and Mum is in respite care at a home for the elderly she normally attends the day care centre at.

I haven’t been told anything really as my Dad withheld information over the phone and asked the doctor NOT to call me until I visited as he wanted to tell me personally so I was under the impression the hospital were just being rude and unhelpful when it turned out they were told not to give me the full information. But this meant the doctor didn’t talk to me as they planned to and I have virtually no information yet despite the fact my Dad is due to get out sometime next week. I have a cousin who is a former matron in a nursing home and she has been interfering too much in the situation and has actually been upsetting me as she is very negative (her husband died recently of a long illness but she apparently behaved like this when one of my uncles was ill with my cousins) and she has been trying to help but going too far and sometimes putting her nose where it isn’t welcome and leaving me zero breathing space.

I’m finding this whole situation really stressful and I’m not sure exactly how bad my Dad’s illness actually is. I’ve been run off my feet and while I’m concerned that my Dad is making his situation seem less serious than it is, my cousin seems negative about everything and I’m not getting entirely coherent information from my Dad either.

I need to call his consultant but I’m not 100% sure who it is as his board in the hospital says the same name I was told to call but my cousin who has made calls is insisting it is someone else with a similar name and this is causing confusion too. I think my cousin is wrong but I’ll need to call the ward to be sure. I’m not overly fond of the idea of calling a receptionist (not the actual doctor) and getting a load of gobbledygook which I’ll probably not be able to make 100% sense of anyway instead of a coherent answer to the situation.

My Dad is talking to me in a positive light and my cousin is virtually burying him and I don’t have the first clue what is happening. The way my Dad spoke to me initially he sounded as if he might not be able to get a removal as such but treatment like chemotherapy and suchlike but nothing has happened so far (he has been treated for jaundice) but the hospital staff he spoke to ruled out any short term danger.

I’m not sure if they’re saying they can prolong his lifespan with treatment or if there is still a good chance of wiping it out. I wish my Dad had let me talk directly to the doctor but he thought it was a good idea not to tell me and I’ve been in misery because of this. I went a few days thinking he had a sore stomach and a touch of jaundice. I was expecting to be told he had an ulcer or needed hernia surgery.

My Mum’s memory is declining rapidly and she is getting weaker and weaker too.

And my dog is not 100% out of the woods yet although his cancer treatment (removal of a tumour) is expected to be confirmed as successful but I haven’t been able to arrange his follow up scan yet. They’re confident he should be OK though.

My own health has been terrible. Daily leg pain, dizziness, tiredness (mental and physical), severe ear pain (sinuses) and occasional asthma.

I just can’t cope with this chaos. Our house is far too small, we have neighbours above us who are noisy at the weekend (and occasionally at other times) and we can’t get things sorted out as we have a lot of stuff and can’t get it organised because of our health and the sheer lack of space. There are too many stairs, a lack of pavements and the house is too narrow for wheelchair use. Things like windows that were to be replaced but had to be held up to due to my Dad being ill and not being able to give access to every window at once, somewhat worn out kitchen units and other issues like poor sinks and occasional heating issues (the whole system needs replaced but that would take enormous work and a lot of disruption and there isn’t space to do it) are driving us nuts here.

We’re looking to move to a larger house and a lot of the additional items are not needless clutter but equipment like wheelchairs but the dining room is needing to be used as a store room as we can’t swing a cat around in here.

We’re unable to work on the house the way we normally would for health reasons plus it is senseless to do a lot of expensive work if we intend to go as soon as we can anyway.

I’m sorry if I’m going on about this two much but I’m getting badly depressed as I’m never able to go out or have any kind of social life at all. Things like dating or holidays are impossible for me. I don’t have the time to go anywhere and I often have to cancel at the last minute if I’m planning on going anywhere. I don’t have any privacy or thinking time as I have to be on call 24/7.

Going to see a movie or a wrestling event is a pretty big deal and I’m usually lucky if other than visiting Glasgow or Braehead Mall for a couple of hours, I can get out about two or three times a year. I go to an annual wrestling event in Glasgow and the Glasgow Comic Con usually (down to a day now) and that is usually all I go to outside the daytime schedule. My parents aren’t the sort who demand me to be there but I genuinely have to be at their beck and call from early morning to about 10 or 11 at night and often again during the night.

I have no cover at all at the moment although the idea of both my parents getting respite care has been mentioned but I’d still have to work out something for the dog if I had plans to do anything. He was never left on his own for seven years until the other day. He was fine as he is used to having a nap in his bed (a large cage with bedding at the bottom) during the day anyway. There are probably kennels in Glasgow he could live in.

I’m not keen on expecting my parents to have to spend prolonged periods in a care home though. It might eventually have to be an option for my Mum, especially if my Dad was to deteriorate although an in home assistant for personal cleaning (showers and changing) could be happening in the next couple of weeks.

I’m sorry for unloading all this baggage but I turned to YABS years ago when we were victims of religious abuse for years and I ended up with legal issues for a while and I was really ill as a result. I was drugged to the eyeballs on medication and was getting aggressive and couldn’t go out for prolonged periods, a year at one stage. If it hadn’t been for comics and the comics fan community, goodness knows what would have happened.
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#2
I think you could go to the hospital, tell them you are your father's officially appointed carer and next of kin, and you have a right to the story of what's going on with him. I can understand the fear of what they might tell you.

Have you ever taken an antidepressant? I used to be on P axil (Seroxat in the UK) and it worked well for several years, but after 3 or 4 years I developed strange side effects (slight dizziness and a whooshing sound in my ears when I moved my eyes, an electric sensation up my side, etc.) It turned out the doctor had started me on a low dose, and then that doctor died suddenly and they never ramped me up to the dose I was supposed to be at... so I was actually getting withdrawal symptoms while still taking the medicine. I wouldn't go back on that, but I have family members who take L exapro (Cipralex in the UK, I think) and do very well on it.

It can take up to 6 weeks to start working and meanwhile there are annoying but generally not horrible side effects. I had insomnia mostly, but it went away. It took effect one day literally in the blink of an eye... I was walking home to my apartment for lunch one day and suddenly the world seemed to switch from black and white to color.

I would avoid any benzodiazepam drugs, though... they are fast acting but very addictive and withdrawal can be very bad.
"I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country." --Thomas Jefferson

“Fascism should rightly be called corporatism, as it is the merger of corporate and government power.” --Benito Mussolini
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#3
It is important you take care of yourself while taking care of your parents, if you're run ragged then you can't be much help anyway. Focus on what you can do, and don't get hung up on the larger difficulties. They can all be broken down into something manageable, even if they look insurmountable all piled together.
Life is like a roller coaster.  It has its ups and downs, but if you sit back and relax you get one heck of a ride.

NationStates: The Associated Systems of Klonor

Equality is not a loss.
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#4
I was on three different antidepressants for years but when I went without for four days due to a new holiday I didn’t know about, I was showing the opposite effects from withdrawal and I was taken off my medication, at first as a trial then permanently.
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#5
It's very difficult but I agree with JBK that you need first and foremost to take care of yourself and focus on the current most important thing.

And as Andrew said, if you know your dad is hiding things from you then just plain out explain it to the hospital, saying you are the one taking care of him at home and they really should be ok with telling you everything you need to know.

Hang in there Weeto and it's ok to feel as you feel.
Always be true to yourself.

Being transgender is beautiful.
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#6
My neighbours have been making constant noise for over 20 hours. They’re very quiet all week and have riots on Saturdays and into Sunday.

This has happened several times and I’ve never even met them.

I’ve had to call twice as I couldn’t get to bed until 3am and was woken up at 6.15am with loud music and singing. They were chanting sectarian (religiously bigoted) soccer chants too.

My parents are out the house and I don’t want this to lead to violence. I won’t go to neighbours directly as this tends to cause trouble.

There is a group of drunks upstairs and I don’t want to have to take them on physically. I’m trying to avoid other people taking the law into their hands on our behalf too.
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#7
Nearly two hours waiting on the cops and still stamping, walls and doors being hit and shouting, with occasional loud music. This is unbearable.

If this happens again with my parents here, I’ll probably not be able to cope with this rationally. I’m feeling really ill and my head is spinning and I feel dizzy.
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#8
Just lie down, put some ear phones on or something that you enjoy and breathing exercises.

Inhale 5 seconds, concentrating on the air coming in filling you stomach like a balloon.

Keep it in for 2 seconds.

Exhale 5 seconds, again concentrating on the air coming out.

Do that for a few minutes.
Always be true to yourself.

Being transgender is beautiful.
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#9
The police came and caught the noise happening and gave them a telling off. The music and singing has stopped although there are still doors slamming and a bit of loud speech. They seem to be gradually dispersing. I’m putting in a complaint in the morning to the housing association that we are tenents with as this can’t happen when my parents are back home.
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#10
I got a call from the hospital and they’re saying my Dad’s condition has deteriorated.

Apparently he has been covering up a lot of his problems and the hospital are saying he might not make it home at all. He seemed to be making some progress.

I just don’t know what to do. The last thing I said to him this morning was about my neighbours behaving badly and causing a lot of noise.

He is sleeping at the moment but this is 100 worse than I was told. The hospital are telling me that my cousin is next of kin. I think a mistake had been made as my Dad made it clear to me that I hold that position and my cousin is a contact. I’ll make sure that is fixed.
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#11
First things first, see if you can get a straight answer from the hospital about what's going on. You can deal with whatever needs to happen next, but that's something you can handle now. From there, take a deep breath and then look at the next item on the list.

One at a time is slow, but it's how things get done.
Life is like a roller coaster.  It has its ups and downs, but if you sit back and relax you get one heck of a ride.

NationStates: The Associated Systems of Klonor

Equality is not a loss.
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#12
(02-04-2018, 07:03 PM)JBK405 Wrote:  First things first, see if you can get a straight answer from the hospital about what's going on. You can deal with whatever needs to happen next, but that's something you can handle now. From there, take a deep breath and then look at the next item on the list.

One at a time is slow, but it's how things get done.

Agreed.

You seem to be getting different stories on what's happening which I can really understand is maddening. First thing is to clear things up with the hospital and get the real news on what's going on.

Then move from there accordingly. One step at a time which I know is like trying to get a turtle to run but things will move forward that way.
Always be true to yourself.

Being transgender is beautiful.
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#13
My Dad passed away just after I got to the hospital.

This is a total shock as I was trying to call him as the hospital called me to say his condition had deteriorated.

My cousins came to the hospital tonight and my cousin Heather is coming to take me to the hospital and funeral parlour tomorrow. There is a Co-op one nearby and my cousin recommended using their service.
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#14
I'm so sorry Weeto.

My deepest condolence.

He tried to shield you from the pain as long as he could. Remember that. That's how much he loved you (And still loves you).

Co-op funeral parlour I used with my dad too. They really do a good job.

God I wish I was closer to you and help.

Take a deep breath, yeah it sucks a fucking lot and it's not fair but your dad still loves you and will be there for you always.
Always be true to yourself.

Being transgender is beautiful.
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#15
Also if you need to talk about it and just talk about how you feel, just do it no matter what.

We are here to help as much as we can.
Always be true to yourself.

Being transgender is beautiful.
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#16
I'm so sorry Weeto, especially that it all had to unfold like this. Take care and stay strong.
Life is like a roller coaster.  It has its ups and downs, but if you sit back and relax you get one heck of a ride.

NationStates: The Associated Systems of Klonor

Equality is not a loss.
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#17
Very sorry to hear this.
"I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country." --Thomas Jefferson

“Fascism should rightly be called corporatism, as it is the merger of corporate and government power.” --Benito Mussolini
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#18
My cousin is being really helpful and wants to take me back to the hospital for the death certificate and then go to the undertaker but I want to go out or something, I really don’t want to do any of that.

I just need time away from this rather than being reminded of it.
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#19
If it helps, when I was dealing with this with my parents, I would give myself a "reward" each day I had to deal with it.

Could be anything from watching something you enjoy, eating a food you like, grab a good beer, whatever.

Those days sucked but I kept reminding myself that at the end of it, this was waiting for me.
Always be true to yourself.

Being transgender is beautiful.
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#20
Well, tomorrow I have the funeral director again tomorrow morning and I’ll probably pick up my Dad’s wallet (I asked the nurse if the wallet was in his bag and she thought it was but it was still in the safe) tomorrow too. I have to go to the register office on Wednesday.

I might try and go out tomorrow afternoon. I’ll see how things are but I’ll try and fit in a trip to the local mall.
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